Edema vs. Warrior Pose

I’m having a one sided edema 2 days ago. Just my right foot. Its kinda funny actually, but still can’t figure why in the hell my right foot is swelling more than my left foot.
I use you both equally, no? *I asked my feet the other day*

Edema or swollen ankles and feet is common during pregnancy, esp in the last trimester, which I am now. Its basically a fluid pool in the tissue due to unbalanced blood circulation during pregnancy, since the uterus is pressing the pelvic veins and the vena cava, which supposedly carry blood from the lower limbs back to the heart.

As common as it is, I would like to care about it and trying to reduce the symptom. And so, I add poses focusing on feet strength on my morning yoga. One of them is warrior pose, which I find it very on-point in terms of my swelling right ankle and foot.

Warrior Pose

Took only 1 time exercise actually, as yesterday I noticed my right ankle and foot was not as swollen as the day after.
But here is the result after 2 days.

Edema vs Warrior Pose.
Who’s winning? 🙂

a ‘confrontation’

I needed one and might be more than one. And I got one, today.
A ‘confrontation’, with quotation mind you. Not exactly as the definition of it, more of aiming the face to face essence.

All this time, I was one-sided on perspective of many things. It is imbalance and therefore I was so clouded, unclear, not at peace on particular things. It was so much burden for me and my emotions, begets anger and hopefully yet become rage inside. I am lucky enough to have the time to do some digging within myself and measure things up before doing anything reckless.

The digging resulting a step, a step of ‘confrontation’. Meet face to face, and get a wider perspective (certainly doesn’t have to be the same) with calm energy. Harm is absolutely out of the picture. And so, I did.

Soooooooooooo reliiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeff.. 🙂

Depression, Illiterate Out and About

Depression, as said by recent studies, to be number one cause of death in years to come.
Is it? Is it not already? -Well, that’s probably one question of so many for some people who actually care to think of it. For some others, depression might be the last thing they think about (although they may be already depressed, just not (won’t) realize it yet).

As for myself, I’d like to think that I do believe in that statement. Depression can or if not already be the number one cause of death. Why? Simply because the iceberg theory about conscious and subconscious. Conscious state is only the tip of the iceberg, while the subconscious is the bottom of the iceberg which is a total mystery and God knows what the hell is in our subconscious. And everything that we don’t want to have in conscious state is going to the subconscious. Anger, shame, rage, the need of avenge, shy, disappointments, you name it. Pressing everything down there. That’s my illiterate depression definition.

Due to the great mystery of subconscious, it is also a great mystery how to handle our own subconscious and the chain of reactions that follow.

I have been watching myself intensively for the past a year and half. A great loss in one perspective almost got me losing myself. All kind of negative emotions arose and I have to press it down, and voila I was in depression mode.

Back then, I have no intention to stay alive, death wish every single time I close my eyes, appetite is leaving the body and mind, no social life, tears are the only companion. The loss punched a hole that’s greater than myself.

Suicide was planned. But then again, here I am. Alive and able to write the experience.
How? What? Why?Where? When?

The how is exactly what I am doing right now, write. Since I can’t afford a shrink, I write. All of emotions that arose back then, the tiniest wave to the huge tsunami of emotion, I wrote it down. Keeping me for pressing anything under.

The what perhaps my own body. I listen to my own body more in that phase than I ever been in my life. It was in painful state, reflecting my mind and soul state, and at that moment, I just went along with it. The not eating part, the sleepless nights. Now I consider that is my coping mechanism, my auto-formulated detoxification.

The why is 2 most important persons in my life, who constantly checking out on me. My future life companion and my best friend. They are the only ones who is not giving up on me, believe in me no matter how bad I have messed up in this life, and not afraid to show me how I messed up I was.

The where took place here and there. Again, I went along with my gut. I stayed at home most of the time at first, denial and hiding phase as I called it. Then running away, as far as I can get. Over the islands, over the seas. Keeping me centered is my work. I always come back for it.

The when I can only say its an ongoing process. Up until now. Still writing, and the subject is not yet moving on 😛 but I am happy for myself and hopefully others can take benefit of it.

So, if ever you find your loved ones or yourself losing that spark in their (your) eyes, don’t give up!
We all have been, if not might be in your shoes anytime soon. Be there for your loved ones, and most importantly for yourself. Ask yourself, how are you doing, once in a while won’t hurt your sanity 🙂


Rear-view Mirror Talks

I was on the road the other day, driving my car to get home. It was raining, and when it rains I can’t get hold of my thoughts. But that afternoon my mind wasn’t go far away. At least, I can still see the object of my mind’s interest. It’s the right rear-view mirror in my car.

What’s so interesting about that rear-view mirror ? Nothing. It was the same as usual. Then why, suddenly, my mind got stuck with it in that particular afternoon ?

It was its reflections and how it helped me drive.

Years I’ve been driving my car, and I do understand how a rear-view mirrors have a crucial role in driving a car. Sort of a guidance for the driver to decide where to lead the car. That afternoon, I realized that in life we should have a rear-view mirror just like when we drive. And we have, we all have. Just sometimes, for me particularly, lots of times, we forget that we have.

This rear-view mirror in our lives is called memory.

Many are saying that we shouldn’t live in the past nor in the future. Live in the present time. Right here, right now. It’s like we sit behind the steer, handling the clutch, the gas , the brake and the gear. That’s our present in life with our potentials, abilities, strength to live our path (in this metaphor, our road) ahead.

The road ahead is the future, and what we may find in that road is a mystery. But as we sit behind the steer, and step on the gas to lead the car ahead, we need to see the rear-view mirror from time to time. What reflects in the rear-view mirror is our past. From time to time, we need to review our past, which will provide a guidance for us to decide where to go.

That’s the ideal. That’s the saying of many wise men. And as usual, I’m so damn far from the ideal. So damn far from being wise too.

When my mind got stuck in that right rear-view mirror, I found where my life at. In the reflection of that rear-view mirror. In the past. Particularly, the past about few months back. In that past, I was given the most precious ever. Back then, that was all I ever wanted, and still till now.

In driving, it is impossible to see the same view between rear-view mirror’s reflection and front view of your car. But in my life, that’s what happen. What I see in my rear-view mirror is what I see also in my front view. I see my precious. And that is all that I ever want, now and forever.

To Whom You Love ?

‘I Love You’. 3 particular words that can make all the difference in the world. Said by almost all human in this very planet in their native language or in this very language.

3 magic words. There is ‘I’, there is ‘Love’ and there is ‘You’.

The ‘I’ is of course us. Each of us. The ‘Love’ is the feeling we feel. And the ‘You’ is one we have feeling towards. So, we say ‘I Love You’ towards the ones we love. To let them know how we feel about them, and how much they mean to us.

If we notice on the structure of this 3 magic words, we would find the subject, the ‘I’, and the object, the ‘You’. And most of the time we act also per this structure. We bind ourselves as the subject or as the do-er. And the ones we love as the object or our doings, in this case our ‘Love’.

Often, or should I say always, we put some expectations in this words. For example, we often expect to be loved back, or simply to be acknowledged, to get the attention. Furthermore, sometimes we expect more, such as commitment and all.

The question is, is it really work that way ?

These past few months, I’m meddling with these 3 words. And when I put some expectations in it, I feel restless. And after I watch over this restlessness, I figure that the problem is in the expectations. I was so worry for them to be fulfilled or not, and it blurs the feeling of ‘Love’ itself.

Then I try, I learn to let it go. What to let go ? The ‘Love’ ? No. I try to let go the ‘whom’ I love. The ‘You’ is still there. Still it’s the 3 magic words, ‘I Love You’. And the person that I love is still there. But I am letting go the ‘object’ bind in the ‘You’ part. And as soon as I let it go, the expectations gone. Followed by the restlessness. Then the magic begins.

I feel like I am limitless. I feel the vastness of love, never ending love. You can’t feel anything but love. Just love. Only love.

The person we have love towards is still there, he/she will feel the love. But strangely, inside, it’s more about yourself. Restlessness change into fulfillment.

Turns out, ‘I Love You’ is act to love yourself. It’s an expression of our capability to love. And to feel its limitless within. No matter to whom we have love towards. Each one we love is actually ourself.

So, to whom you love ? Every single one of you and yourself.

~In the deep longing of Bhumi Mandala Kelana

Something about Complaining

I was in a hospital the other day, checking something up, and when finally I get to see the doctor, usually, the doctor would ask, ‘How do you feel ?’, ‘Is there any complain ?’ or sort of questions. That day, I felt dreadful. I had bad headache, hadn’t eat properly and feverish. But I just couldn’t utter a single sentence but ‘I’m good.’ And then the doctor said, ‘But you look so dreadful.’. And I just smiled back at him.

Then today, I met another doctor. Another check up. And same question from the doctor. (I think it’s SOP of a doctor, don’t you think? 🙂 And this time, because I felt better, it was easy to say ‘I’m good.’

Somehow it got me thinking about complaining. And I just realized that I rarely complaining on anything. But there’s something about complaining.

Friend of mine once said that all he need is someone to listen to his complains, cause he complains a lot. In the other hand, another friend of mine once gave us a rule in our office room. One who complains should pay fine. Not much. Just Rp 1.000,-. And it got all of us to learn to control our emotion at work. Though some did pay more fine than the others, and every single fine always fun to make fun of. 😉

Indeed, there’s something about complaining.

I remember I used to be a cranky person. I still am now. But I don’t remember myself as a complainer. Why is that ? It never cross my mind until now.

Why is that ? Hmm.. maybe because I think complain will never get us a solution of a trouble. I feel like I am more a troubleshooter than a complainer. 😛 For example, once we had this dalmatian dog called Poleng when I was back in Jogja. It was naughty. And so noisy, wouldn’t stop barking at all times. My mom was stressed. Also my sisters. And they complained a lot. I just listened to them until finally one day I just took it to the nearest pet store and sold it. Viola! Problem solved. And we even get some pizzas in return. 😀

I don’t mind to listen to other’s complains. I often find myself in that position. And I really don’t mind. Just listening to them, sometimes if needed, I would provide them some perspectives.

But then again, there’s something about complaining. Somehow, my rarely-complaining attitude is not healthy. I think we need to complain once in a while. Complaining or expressing our dissatisfactions will, at least, put some relief in us (I guess.. ?). Or just to ease our mind (maybe.. ?).

Well, I guess I need to find out more, don’t I ?

But I will definitely stop before I look like that :))

Bit by Bit, Breath by Breath

When everything seems so far
When everything blurring before your eyes
When hope seems fades away
When you have none but yourself

Stop! And listen..

Every bit of your body
Every beat of your heart
Every pulse of your brain
In every breath you take

There’s hope within you
There’s strength within you
There’s a whole You
Steady and ready to take on every single thing in this world


A slight description about my quotation on ‘bit by bit, breath by breath’. Sometimes I use that quotation just to encourage myself to endure this pain I have.

But actually ‘bit by bit, breath by breath’ is always be my ‘attitude’. On every angle, every level of my life.

As far as I remember, this bit by bit attitude was pushed on me by a condition. When I was on junior high, I had an accident, fell from a motorcycle and I bumped my head on the road block. No fracture, just a brain concussion. And I can never be 100% again.

So, after a week hospitalized, I was pushed to accept my ‘slow’ condition. Start every activity on slow mode, from getting up in the morning until going back to bed in the night. Including dealing with my own head, which is the hardest part cause I have a ‘hard head’ a.k.a stubborn. The speed of my mind often not match with the speed of my body. And that’s so damn frustrating. And not only that, the continuously buzz on my head is also frustrating.

That’s the start of the bit by bit attitude. I need to have a grip. And the first lesson I learn during the process was that I can’t have the grip outside me. So, I decided to have grip inside me, which is my breath. It’s not that easy actually to came up with that decision. Cause when you feel sick, ill or pain, most of the time, you would want to ‘complain’. You would want to have someone there, just to be there, wouldn’t you ?

But then again, I need to learn my lesson. And yes, I learnt well. So this bit by bit attitude is built in me, slowly but sure.

And when I had another brain concussion couple years later, I knew what lies ahead me. Again, it was not easy. It’s still not easy. But like I said, bit by bit, breath by breath, and you will find the whole You, who’s steady and ready to take on every single thing in this world.

Like Uncle Bob Marley (PS. Don’t try to find any resemblance between me and my uncle :P) sang in ‘Redemption Song’,

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
‘Cause none of them can stop the time.

Have no fear indeed. And none can free our minds but ourselves, meaning (at least for me) we got none, but ourselves. So, own up yourself, own up ourselves, bit by bit, breath by breath, and the world is ours for the taken.