Beauty is in The Eyes of The Beholder, NOT!

Beauty is the eyes of the beholder.“, so they say.

A friend of mine recently buzzed much about how she’s not fit to meet the beautiful standard, such as having a slim body hence she’s undergoing a strict diet.

Every time she shares her picture and lets us know how ugly she (think) is because she’s fat, not having the perfect skin, can’t afford the latest hair style, blablabla lalala, and all I can see is how pretty her smile is.

Sure, she concerns about healthy body weight, don’t we all?
Who has not complaining about their skin and hair, nowadays?

But since beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, its almost impossible to own our very own beauty. Just when we started to feel good about our (fat, flawed skin, and bad hair)-self, there’s always some beholders making fun, making comments of us.

‘Are you gaining some weight?’
‘What with those pimples?’
‘Now you’re going blonde? Wow’


Why can’t we just say, “Beauty lies beyond what eyes perceived.

Dirt is Dirt, But There’s Also Clean Water

Once in a meditation class, my Guru said,

“You can not clean dirty floor using dirty water. It has to be cleaned with clean water. “

Imagine dirty water in a glass. It seems impossible to have a clean water without throwing out the dirty water inside first. But throwing out the dirty water is not in the option. What to do?

Simply add clean water and more clean water until all the dirty water overflowed.

Cant tell why that phrase from my Guru stuck in my head for years, up until recently.


Been struggling with guilt and ‘dirt’ until I despise myself. That I’m unworthy even to breathe, let alone to live this wonderful life. But life goes on. And life showed my how to ‘cleanse’ myself, starting from my body to my deep down soul. In the journey, I get to meet great people, and experiencing how good life can be. Then life gave me the purest thing.

Kindness, love, joy bundled in one package called baby boy, Gian.

And then I realized. Its time to take all the clean pouring water from Life, redeeming all the dirt I’ve been stacking up and holding on all this time.

Yes, dirt is dirt. I cant deny nor forget it.
But there’s also clean water, baby.. no worry 🙂

Edema vs. Warrior Pose

I’m having a one sided edema 2 days ago. Just my right foot. Its kinda funny actually, but still can’t figure why in the hell my right foot is swelling more than my left foot.
I use you both equally, no? *I asked my feet the other day*

Edema or swollen ankles and feet is common during pregnancy, esp in the last trimester, which I am now. Its basically a fluid pool in the tissue due to unbalanced blood circulation during pregnancy, since the uterus is pressing the pelvic veins and the vena cava, which supposedly carry blood from the lower limbs back to the heart.

As common as it is, I would like to care about it and trying to reduce the symptom. And so, I add poses focusing on feet strength on my morning yoga. One of them is warrior pose, which I find it very on-point in terms of my swelling right ankle and foot.

Warrior Pose

Took only 1 time exercise actually, as yesterday I noticed my right ankle and foot was not as swollen as the day after.
But here is the result after 2 days.

Edema vs Warrior Pose.
Who’s winning? 🙂

a ‘confrontation’

I needed one and might be more than one. And I got one, today.
A ‘confrontation’, with quotation mind you. Not exactly as the definition of it, more of aiming the face to face essence.

All this time, I was one-sided on perspective of many things. It is imbalance and therefore I was so clouded, unclear, not at peace on particular things. It was so much burden for me and my emotions, begets anger and hopefully yet become rage inside. I am lucky enough to have the time to do some digging within myself and measure things up before doing anything reckless.

The digging resulting a step, a step of ‘confrontation’. Meet face to face, and get a wider perspective (certainly doesn’t have to be the same) with calm energy. Harm is absolutely out of the picture. And so, I did.

Soooooooooooo reliiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeff.. 🙂

Depression, Illiterate Out and About

Depression, as said by recent studies, to be number one cause of death in years to come.
Is it? Is it not already? -Well, that’s probably one question of so many for some people who actually care to think of it. For some others, depression might be the last thing they think about (although they may be already depressed, just not (won’t) realize it yet).

As for myself, I’d like to think that I do believe in that statement. Depression can or if not already be the number one cause of death. Why? Simply because the iceberg theory about conscious and subconscious. Conscious state is only the tip of the iceberg, while the subconscious is the bottom of the iceberg which is a total mystery and God knows what the hell is in our subconscious. And everything that we don’t want to have in conscious state is going to the subconscious. Anger, shame, rage, the need of avenge, shy, disappointments, you name it. Pressing everything down there. That’s my illiterate depression definition.

Due to the great mystery of subconscious, it is also a great mystery how to handle our own subconscious and the chain of reactions that follow.

I have been watching myself intensively for the past a year and half. A great loss in one perspective almost got me losing myself. All kind of negative emotions arose and I have to press it down, and voila I was in depression mode.

Back then, I have no intention to stay alive, death wish every single time I close my eyes, appetite is leaving the body and mind, no social life, tears are the only companion. The loss punched a hole that’s greater than myself.

Suicide was planned. But then again, here I am. Alive and able to write the experience.
How? What? Why?Where? When?

The how is exactly what I am doing right now, write. Since I can’t afford a shrink, I write. All of emotions that arose back then, the tiniest wave to the huge tsunami of emotion, I wrote it down. Keeping me for pressing anything under.

The what perhaps my own body. I listen to my own body more in that phase than I ever been in my life. It was in painful state, reflecting my mind and soul state, and at that moment, I just went along with it. The not eating part, the sleepless nights. Now I consider that is my coping mechanism, my auto-formulated detoxification.

The why is 2 most important persons in my life, who constantly checking out on me. My future life companion and my best friend. They are the only ones who is not giving up on me, believe in me no matter how bad I have messed up in this life, and not afraid to show me how I messed up I was.

The where took place here and there. Again, I went along with my gut. I stayed at home most of the time at first, denial and hiding phase as I called it. Then running away, as far as I can get. Over the islands, over the seas. Keeping me centered is my work. I always come back for it.

The when I can only say its an ongoing process. Up until now. Still writing, and the subject is not yet moving on 😛 but I am happy for myself and hopefully others can take benefit of it.

So, if ever you find your loved ones or yourself losing that spark in their (your) eyes, don’t give up!
We all have been, if not might be in your shoes anytime soon. Be there for your loved ones, and most importantly for yourself. Ask yourself, how are you doing, once in a while won’t hurt your sanity 🙂


Box (-ing)

I always have certain fascination about box. I would go to a box store just to see those boxes in so many motives, colors and size, touch them and imagine what kind of stuff I can put there.

I love boxes and I have never imagine that this particular fascination would help me get through my life.

Yes. You read it correctly. From the love for boxes, I get help to get through with my life. Some of you might wondering how in the hell I can do that? Some of you might already guess me right. And some of you might also doing the same thing as myself already.

For you whom might still wondering how in the hell I can get help from my fascination of boxes, here you go.

The wise said, in order to be happy, we need to live in the present, right ? Well, I have problems with that. My brain can understand that statement but it is freaking difficult to have the attitude. I am either worrying about the future or clinging to my past. And this box-ing methode helps me to deal with one of them, the clinging to my past part.

When something is over (or should be over), I would have picture a box in mind. Then every single thing that relates to that particular event and/or person would go to that box.

The box-in process can take a lot longer than it should. That’s my weakness. But somehow, those times would give me many things to learn. Or maybe I am good at taking advantages from the worst.

Back to the boxing process. Each time I visualize it, it helps me to have that ‘let go’ feeling, bit by bit. And when finally I can imagine that I close the box with a tape, what a relief!

As for now, I am still boxing some things in few boxes. One box from last year is closing. Lessen my burden, free myself to embrace unlimited possibilities.

‘You gotta love the process, Babe’ – said me to myself.
That’s what life all about, isn’t it?